Aftermath

Ouch.

Awhile back I was re-reading some of my old Substack posts and I found one in which I laid out a lot of my shortcomings, things that can’t be known from simple social media posts. (I think I wrote it when I had over 10k followers on Instagram, which I don’t have anymore, as I have been hemorrhaging followers over the past year.) They were pretty small things, really… the fact that I am a dominator-of-conversation, the conundrum of Instagram making my house look bigger and cleaner than it really is, and a few other small-scale shortcomings and misunderstandings that I can’t recall right now. I do remember feeling the need to write that post because people were beginning to think I was an “influencer” and they were putting a lot of stock into what they were seeing through my grid photos, and the impressions they were getting were not always accurate, so I felt an obligation to set them straight and remind/point out to them that I’m actually a pretty big failure. Well, now looking back, I see that I did feel like a failure, and maybe it’s true that I wasn’t measuring up to real influencers, but MY OH MY, if you wanted to see someone really fall flat on her face in a giant #FAIL fast forward to current time and you have arrived at the right place!

My goodness. I did not realize how invested people can be in the lives of others. I did not realize that people could be so disappointed in someone for making a personal choice that has literally *zero affect* on anyone else on the entire planet. Let me tell you, if you feel like a failure, remember that I made a decision for myself and my family that now has people talking about me so much that I’m hearing through the grapevine that people are “worried” about Martin. (Not about us as a family… just about Martin. I mean, they might as well just come up to me and speak their disapproval to my face, or tell him squarely that he could have done way better in the wife department!) Everywhere I go I get these puppy dog eyes and people asking, “how’s Martin?” “Does Martin miss his police job?” “Is Martin ok?” It’s gotten so ridiculous that—and I am not making this up—when I went to confession before Easter I mentioned in the confessional “I made my husband quit his job,” and the priest chuckled and said, “So I heard.” What!! This is like bad sit-com territory!

So, dear reader, I want you to take a minute and think of some of the things that you consider “fails” in your personal life. Maybe poorly executed plans, bad decisions, some shortcomings in your habits. Heck, I don’t know, maybe you consciously use way too much laundry detergent just because you want your clothes to smell really clean, even though you know what a waste it is. Maybe you’re kind of addicted to store-bought kombucha, or bubble tea! Maybe you set a 5:30am alarm for “every day” knowing FULL WELL that *every day* when the alarm goes off you’re just going to hit the snooze until 7:30 when you jump up and scramble, but you like the virtuous feeling of setting an extra early alarm and pretending you get such an early start on your day.

Whatever your little shortcomings, whatever your microscopic failures, remind yourself: you did not ask your husband to quit his job and give up his livelihood. Maybe you have wanted to! Maybe you’ve thought, as I thought, “I can’t do this lifestyle for even one more day!” But you see, the difference is that then you took a moment and said, “oh wait, let’s be adults. Quitting without anything else lined up would not be prudent.” And then you managed for awhile longer and maybe made the transition to something different in a more conventional way.

I commend you. I wish I were you.

And if nothing else on this Monday, you can be glad you’re not me! Hahaha!