The January Wall

Last week I hit a wall. Everything was so overwhelming. The kids were fighting constantly—knock down, screamfest fighting—Sylvi wasn’t sleeping well, I wasn’t sleeping well, school was not going well, Martin found out his next shift assignment is nights starting this week, I went down a negative avenue on instagram that topped off my anxiety, I received an oddly large amount of junky comments from people both on social media and in real life, (which of course makes me reevaluate the necessity of my existence,) and I purchased a bathroom scale for the first time EVER. (I bet that threw my Target app algorithm for a loop lol!) Anyway, I told Martin on Friday: I’m putting the kids in school. I don’t know where, I don’t know how, but nobody’s happy here and we all hate each other, and it’s time to let the school system take over. I’ve failed them; maybe a real teacher can fix them. I mean it this time!

Martin is a very calm man, and he doesn’t put his foot down about almost anything, (this might be why we are poor, hee hee!) but the one area he is firm on within our family is homeschool. He is a BELIEVER in alternative education, and most especially for our girls. (I will never forget when he went down to Academy, one of his first comments was, “this is not a learning environment!” Hahahahaha, who says that about a place like police academy?! I still chuckle!) This is not to say he hates school, or thinks everyone should homeschool…. Not at all. But because we are able to make it happen, and he values the LEARNING ENVIRONMENT lol that home provides, he wants us to continue on this path. It’s important to him, and he seems to think I do a good job (he’s delusional, but I guess it’s nice to have someone believe you aren’t a total failure.)

But this time, with everything sitting on my shoulders and heart, and feeling so defeated and depleted, he actually said we could do that. (Not enthusiastically, but still.) We talked it over and basically said, ok, we’ll put them in school.

AND THEN I FELT LIKE GARBAGE. I felt the most wrong feeling in my heart and stomach (some people call this “conscience”) I felt like I was betraying my true self, my husband, my children, our family values. All of it. I did not feel the lightness I thought I would feel, I felt even worse than before! Not what I was expecting. It was not the right decision, but I didn’t say anything.

Then the weekend passed by. Martin was off work and he built a huge bookshelf for a room that has just been book and kid stuff storage, and the girls worked together to clean up that room and organize the new shelves, and tensions started easing. Ingrid had the hardest time snapping out of it and was still crying at bedtime, but then when I went up to tuck them in, they were all laughing and dancing and singing together like happy maniacs. I still don’t understand how that change happened, and so abruptly. I don’t get it! But I’m grateful.

But ok, I guess we aren’t putting them in school this week. Another nervous breakdown false alarm, I guess. Another chance to start again on steadier feet, with gratitude and fortitude, and a feeling that we can pass through the dark times of anxiety, or the bland, everybody-crying days of January, and we can know that those phases are not WHO WE ARE and they are not HOW OUR HOME IS, school or no school. They are just spans of time, as ordinary as the pleasant mornings spent knitting and reading together, just…. not pleasant.

I suppose these times happen in every area of life. These I-know-this-isn’t-the-right-answer-but-I’m-saying-it-anyway moments. School options, work options, entrepreneurial options, dream options… January seems to make it extra easy to say “oh forget it. This is too hard and I’m a loser.” Well, keep climbing that January wall. February will be here soon and that’s when the light changes—and after that, glorious Spring.